“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”
~1 Corinthians 13:12
We all long to be known ~ by our friends, our family members, our co-workers, but especially by our partner. When our relationship is fresh and new we share our goals, dreams, insecurities, beautiful moments, and painful memories. We can’t wait to ask and learn more. Being in touch with our partner’s inner world ~ what is going on in their mind, heart, and life~ brings us closer together and nurtures a deep sense of marital friendship.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s relationship theory, The Sound Relationship House, shares how to maintain that intimate sense of friendship over decades of marriage. This relationship theory presents seven levels based on years of research that can help keep couples moving forward together happily.
The first level Building Love Maps is a lot like the foundation or ground floor of our house. This level reminds us that we are continually growing and changing in our marriage. Our spouse may have known our hopes, dreams, best friends, and hardest moments when we first became a couple. But, over time, life gets in the way. Careers, children, bills, daily schedules and endless chores demand our attention.
So how do we keep life from getting in the way? We need an accurate, updated map of our partner’s inner world. We can update our love map by remaining curious. We take the time to ask open-ended questions: How are you feeling about this season of parenting? What would you like our retirement years to look like? What new activities are you interested in trying? How do you feel about our home; is there anything you’d like to change?
We all have room for improvement in this area of our relationship. Two important tips: we can focus on being more aware of when we are making assumptions about how our partner feels. After years together we often assume what our partner thinks, feels, believes. The second tip ~ when we catch ourselves making assumptions, we need to hit our internal pause button and ask. We might say something like: I think I know how you’re feeling about _____________ but I’m not sure. Can you tell me more about ____________?
Accurate, updated Love Maps nurture that deep sense of connection with our partner. While it is impossible to be fully known by anyone other than Christ, we can be intimate friends with our favorite human ~ our spouse.