Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10
Marriage ~ designed by God ~ reminds us we are loved, heard, understood. But sometimes our attempts to communicate misfire, and the relationship meant to encourage and build us up leaves us feeling lonely and misunderstood. If we are married for longer than a minute, we scratch our heads and wonder why we feel lonely yet we are not alone. Sometimes the answer is simple but not easy. We have stopped connecting intentionally, lovingly, and honestly.
Here are some practical, bite-size strategies to jump start that connection:
- Create space for Daily Connection. No problem talk ~ just light, fun conversation. No mention of bills, kids’ schedules, problems at work, etc. This can be on the couch at the end of the day or when your head hits the pillow at night. Important Note: Put your phone away. Better yet, silence it.
- Choose a consistent day and time for a Weekly Check-In. The Weekly Check-In is one night per week for 30 to 60 minutes of uninterrupted time to talk about the state of your union. What is going well in the relationship, what feels hard, what has been going on financially within the marriage, where are you struggling individually and as a couple. Note: Kiddos are in bed fast asleep. No distractions or interruptions.
- implement the 3 x 3 Rule. Make a list of 3 Phrases your spouse can say to you that comfort you when you are hurt or down. Your spouse does the same. Make a second list of 3 Actions your spouse can do to comfort you. Again, your spouse does the same. Now… trade papers. Post the papers somewhere you can easily find them the next time you or your spouse could use a little TLC. Don’t be shy about reaching for the paper ~ we cannot read our partner’s mind to know what they need. We have to tell them. Mindreading does not exist in human relationships.
- At least 3 times per week have a Stress-Reducing Conversation. This conversation is not about stress in your relationship ~ it is focused on external stress (i.e. job, extended family, etc.) One of you is the Speaker; the other is the Listener. The Speaker takes 10 or 15 minutes to loosen the steam valve and share their stress with their spouse. If you are the Listener, let your partner know you are tracking with them ~ maintain eye contact, interject the occasional “WOW,” “That sounds hard,” etc. without breaking the flow of your spouse’s words. When the Speaker is finished, ask “Is there more?” Did you need me just to listen or would you like me to brainstorm solutions with you?”
- Invest in a Calendar. When couples are first married, they typically do not need to be reminded to connect physically. Over time, sex can slide off of our radar ~ this too takes intentionality. Put sex on the calendar! Be sure to include nonsexual physical touch every day too ~ this creates a climate of intimacy all week long. Humans long to be touched ~ physical connection is not reserved only for lovemaking.
God intended marriage to be healthy, fun, loving, and a mirror that reflects Christ’s relationship with the Church. We were not meant to be lonely in marriage ~ we were created to love, honor, and serve one another.