Sorting the Shapes

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Recently I spent some precious moments with our fifteen-month-old granddaughter. We played together and she especially enjoyed a favorite toy of hers ~ a shape sorter. I watched as she repeatedly picked up shapes ~ circle, triangle, square, triangle, star, cross, etc., and tried to fit the shape into the correct space. Sometimes she would try to fit the circle into the square space and became noticeably frustrated when the shape just wouldn’t fit.

As I watched our granddaughter sort the shapes, I couldn’t help but compare her attempts to our efforts in sorting out difficult circumstances and relationships. It’s hard to accept that we cannot control all circumstances and all relationships all the time. Yet sometimes we keep trying despite the reality that we simply cannot manipulate situations or people.

There is a concept in counseling called radical acceptance. It was developed for use in therapy by Marcia Linehan. Radical acceptance refers to the ability to totally accept a situation or a relationship exactly as it is in the present moment without trying to change it. Notice I did not say we like the circumstance or condone what may have happened in a relationship. Instead, we let go of trying to control, manipulate, or direct the outcome. This strategy does not take away the pain or loss we feel in the midst of the hard situation or the hurtful relationship. But, by letting go we lessen the suffering we experience within our pain. Because, at the end of the day, we can only control ourselves ~ our response to the circumstance or person.

As our granddaughter continued to sort the shapes with encouraging words from Nana and Grandpa like, “Try again,” she became visibly less frustrated. As we accept situations that are out of our control ~ accepting circumstances fully ~ mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; we too become less frustrated. We are able to put our energy toward coping with the situation, rather than trying to avoid, deny, or control it. Radical acceptance is never a “one and done” strategy; however, with time we can learn to coach ourselves through the process. Learning to accept problems that are out of our control can lead to less anxiety, anger, and sadness ~ and who doesn’t want less of that.