Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
~ Colossians 3:12
Aretha Franklin’s famous song, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and the Apostle Paul’s words to the Colossians have more in common than you might think. Aretha and Paul both offer words of wisdom for healthy marriages. Respect and honor in marriage are built on mercy, kindness, gentleness, humility, and patience.
When respect and honor break down in a marriage, the Second Horseman of the Apocalypse, Contempt, begins to rear his ugly head. Contempt rises from a sense of superiority over one’s spouse.
Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. Other forms include eye-rolling, name-calling, mockery, and demeaning humor. Contempt in any form is poisonous to a marriage because it conveys disgust. It is nearly impossible to resolve marital conflict when your spouse receives the message that you are disgusted with him or her. This only leads to more conflict rather than reconciliation.
So what is the antidote for contempt? Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned relationship experts, found that nurturing Fondness and Admiration is the answer. If a couple still have a fondness and admiration system, there is still a fundamental belief that their spouse is worthy of being respected and even liked. In fact, fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a fulfilling, long-lasting marriage.
All of this may sound ridiculously obvious ~ of course couples like each other or they wouldn’t be happily married. However, we need to remember just how central fondness and admiration are to intimate marital friendship.
If our Fondness and Admiration System is a bit rusty, what can we do? Look for the good. Search for the small everyday things you appreciate and admire about your spouse. Then…. don’t just think it…. speak it. Let your spouse know the trait or quality you notice in them and that you are grateful for it. Catch your partner doing something right and then offer a genuine appreciation such as “I love the way you turn the tea kettle on for me when you hear me stirring around upstairs. Thank you!”
Fondness and Admiration protect your marriage from that Second Horseman, Contempt, and strengthen respect and honor. And who couldn’t use more of that in their marriage?
Gottman, John and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide From The Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).