Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
~Romans 12:15
Before I went back to school to become a counselor, I served as a teacher. For twenty-plus years I spent my days with first graders, kindergartners, and preschoolers. Over the years I saw families marked by hard times. But perhaps the most difficult season for children were the days altered by loss and grief.
Loss and grief make their way into children’s lives through divorce, moving to a new home, the loss of a beloved pet, disease, and sometimes in the death of a sibling, parent, or grandparent. As adults we desperately search for a way to make a child’s grief disappear or, at the very least, we long to lessen the hurt. In our efforts to help the child who is hurting we sometimes forget that a heart wound is a deep, painful trauma that needs time, attention, and meticulous care.
How do we care for a child’s heart wound?
First, it is important to keep in mind that a child’s grief has some unique features:
- Children’s grief cannot be predicted. Grief comes out in the routines of everyday life. They may be playing with blocks or eating cereal and suddenly ask questions about the person who has died. Or… they may sob inconsolably about being given the blue plate instead of the red one.
- Children are able to set their grief aside easier than adults. They may ask about the death of a loved one, and then in the next moment share about their new doll or about their pet.
- Children’s grief comes out in brief but intense episodes.
- Children express their grief in actions because of their limited verbal expression.
- Grief is often postposed by children, or at least parts of it are delayed.
- Childhood grief can last throughout childhood and parts of it may linger into adulthood.
- Children grieve differently than adults.
As a kindergarten teacher one of my students suddenly lost his father. As I prepared to visit with him and his family at the funeral home, my mind cried out to God ~ How do I help him? What should I say? Lord, I feel so inadequate. As I stood in the receiving line to greet his family I scanned the room. I could not find my student. After visiting with his mother, I explored the funeral home. I found him. He was happily playing tag in another room with his cousins.
Heart wounds…. Grief in children can leave us wondering how to help. Follow your child’s lead ~ he will guide you on his journey in his way and in his time.