The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. ~Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
A fracture…. something that is broken or cracked… divided, split, or damaged in a sudden, violent way. In my work as a counselor and in my own family, I have had a birds-eye view and a front-row seat to the ripple effects and the devastation that ensue when a marriage is fractured. Sometimes I talk with clients who mistakenly believe their choices have no impact on the infrastructure of their families. Other times I walk alongside clients who are desperately trying to tread water as they navigate the implosion of their spouse’s actions. In my own family, I have watched the heartbreaking fracture and subsequent anguish that a divorce brings.
Divorce ranks second as one of life’s greatest stressors following right behind the death of a spouse. Divorce is a death ~ the death of a marriage. The grief of divorce is raw, overwhelmingly intense, and messy. Grief is never linear and tidy. It hides among the everyday tasks and chores of life ~ surfacing in unpredictable waves at sometimes the most unexpected moments. Grief envelops the entire family system ~ the husband and wife, the children, the grandparents, siblings, other family members, and friends.
As a culture, our lives can be hurried and chaotic. We sometimes unintentionally forget or minimize the pain the family system is experiencing when the fracture of divorce rears its ugly head. So, what can we do when someone in our life is walking through the painful fracture of divorce? We can name, acknowledge, and validate the tangled ‘ball of emotions’ the pain of divorce creates: intense sadness, rage, helplessness, confusion, fear, yearning, disappointment, betrayal, panic, abandonment. We can remind ourselves that our family member or friend’s grief changes from day to day or even moment to moment. These twists and turns are distressing and unsettling ~ they may even feel a lot like being on a roller coaster. The experience of this roller coaster ride cannot be controlled or “fixed.” Each person makes their way through on their own timeline with their own individual hurts and scars.
Next, we can offer practical, empathetic actions to the grief-stricken. Checking in regularly with a text or phone call to ask how the person is doing instead of waiting for them to reach out to us. We would never expect a drowning person to form coherent sentences and ask for assistance ~ instead we would reach for them as they are treading water and help them to shore as they gasp for breath. If the person is part of a church family, church staff can regularly follow up and offer a listening ear and prayer. A meal, a gift card for gas and groceries, an offer to care for young children, a handwritten note of encouragement are all helpful ways to walk alongside those grieving a divorce.
As a Christian counselor, I believe Jesus sees the fracture of divorce. He feels the pain and anguish. He weeps right alongside us. Jesus is present in the darkness of night when sleep won’t come and thoughts careen down perilous paths. Jesus restores, renews, and redeems ~ that can be our heartfelt prayer.
