The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
~Psalm 16:6
Boundaries ~ nearly everyone is familiar with the term, but we sometimes struggle with what healthy boundaries look like in our relationships. A healthy personal boundary is a lot like a property line. Each are protective and help us keep the “good stuff” in and the “bad stuff” out. A property line shows the homeowner where her property begins and ends. Personal boundaries define where we end and others begin. Boundaries help us define what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for.
Why are boundaries important? Boundaries help us create healthy relationships through open communication and respect for ourselves and others. We actually do not set boundaries for others ~ we set them for ourselves. We choose guidelines or limits that enable us to have reasonable, safe, and healthy interactions with others. Boundaries can empower us to decide how we will allow others to treat us and how we will respond to others, including when they overstep our limits.
How do we set and enforce boundaries?
First, we surrender. There may be times we recognize that specific responsibilities belong to someone else, but we struggle with letting go of our desire to control. Surrendering helps us make peace with people or circumstances we cannot change.
Next, we remind ourselves that healthy boundaries are self-focused. Healthy boundaries focus on what we will or will not do ~ not on what we want another person to do. Our goal is not to fix or control someone else. Instead, our desire is to take ownership of our lives so that we are protected. We can love and protect ourselves without enabling or rescuing someone else.
Third, we set consequences. The difference between a boundary and a request is that boundaries have consequences ~ what we will or will not do if a boundary is violated. When we establish a consequence, we want to be sure it is something we are willing to follow through with. Then, we need to follow through with the consequence every time ~ no shifting of our boundaries. A consequence is not a punishment for the other person; a consequence focuses on our actions.
What can we do when setting boundaries gets tough?
Check our motives. Is our boundary healthy or unhealthy? The boundary may look the same, but the intention or motive behind it is different when enforcing a healthy boundary (consequence) versus an unhealthy boundary (trying to control a situation or person).
Expect pushback. It is very common to encounter resistance from others when we try to establish healthy boundaries. They may not like our new pattern of behavior, so be prepared to stand firm. We have a choice. We do not have to let others’ reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves. People will react when we begin to do things differently. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But we choose to continue on our course.
Remember that healthy boundaries are permeable; they are not brick walls. There is a gate in the fence around our property line. We can open the gate and invite others in when they bring gifts of kindness, respect, or simply desire to spend time with us. Brick-wall boundaries shut others out; permeable boundaries look through the peephole to see who is waiting on the porch.
Jesus set healthy boundaries when He walked the earth, giving us a beautiful example to follow. The book of Matthew in the Bible is packed with examples of Jesus setting boundaries. Likewise, our Heavenly Father has set boundaries for us so that we can experience joy and happiness in our lives. When He allows us to experience the consequences of ignoring those boundaries, He gives us the opportunity to learn and grow.
Property line… do you know where yours begins and ends?
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.