W.A.I.T.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

~James 1:19

Do you remember the Telephone Game? You may have played it in elementary school or in science class when your teacher talked about sound waves. You sat quietly with a styrofoam cup strategically placed next to your ear. The cup was attached to a string and on the other end a friend spoke a message into their cup. The end result was sometimes a garbled communication that did not resemble the original message. Sometimes our conversations look a lot like that.

James’ famous words about being quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger are sometimes impossible to live out. Often we are slow to listen, quick to speak, and quick to become angry. Hearing may seem easy, but listening is hard. And the reality is… every relationship ~ parent and child, husband and wife, co-worker to co-worker, sibling to sibling, friend to friend, and yes, even stranger to stranger hinges on our ability to listen to hear the undertones of what is being said.

We often fail to hear the hurt and caring in our spouse’s anger, the insecurity in our child’s heart, and the depth of emotion in our friend’s words, etc. Their words to us seem blocked by our own insecurity, anger, habit, and sometimes by our own need to win the argument.

So how do we move beyond hearing to listening? James C. Petersen, D.Min., LPC, shares,

Powerful, good communication is the oil that lubricates the engine of relationships. Without it the engine seizes and grinds to a halt.

Petersen suggests we start with 4 basic steps to “keep that engine running:”

1. Acknowledge. Use words, tone, and body language to acknowledge it’s okay for the speaker to feel or think the way he or she does. This usually takes just a few words and an open, bite-your tongue, patient attitude.
2. Repeat accurately. Try repeating the last paragraph, the last sentence, or the last word or two of the speaker’s message. You may use the same words, phrasing, and intonation the speaker used without parroting his or her words back.
3. Use para-feeling. Put the speaker’s emotions into your words.
4. Use para-thinking. Put the speaker’s thoughts, which include their ideas, views, observations, facts, and perceptions, into your own words.

Perhaps one of the most important tools we can use to move from hearing to listening is the short, effective acronym: W.A.I.T. This gentle reminder can be powerful. Simply ask yourself, Why Am I Talking?

When we take the time to listen in order to understand, something magical happens. The person we are listening to not only benefits, but so do we. We grow to accept a wider range of people and to enjoy them. C.S. Lewis summed it up this way, “Don’t wait until you love people to act on their behalf. Act on their behalf, and you will come to love them.”

James C. Petersen, D.Min, LPC, Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships. (2015) Portland, OR: Petersen Publications.