The floods have risen up, O LORD. The floods have roared like thunder; the floods have lifted their pounding waves.
~Psalm 93:3
We’ve all been there. Our hearts begin to race, our breath becomes fast and shallow, our thoughts swirl. The interaction with our partner is like a runaway train ~ our bodies release strong hormones into our bloodstream and our words spill out. We are experiencing flooding in the stress of the moment which in turn leads to a higher rate of marital distress.
So what’s the big deal about flooding? Flooding makes it harder to think, listen, and communicate effectively. One partner may fail to hear the other’s attempt at humor or reconciliation. Flooding gets in the way of empathy We can no longer imagine our partner’s perspective. Flooding blocks creative problem-solving and causes us to feel out of control.
Couples typically cope with flooding two ways. An unhealthy coping mechanism is conflict avoidance. Many couples steer clear of stressful conversations. They don’t talk about conflicts or difficult emotions that come up in their relationships. Unfortunately, conflict avoidance leads to emotional distance and loneliness in marriage.
A healthy alternative is to develop the ritual of taking breaks. Taking breaks helps us calm down and cope creatively with conflict rather than run away from it. Developing a ritual that works includes:
- Notice the physical sensations the next time conflict arises. Do you feel tension in your jaw, forehead, neck, shoulders, or other parts of your body? Does your breath become faster or more shallow? Are you finding it difficult to focus on what your partner is saying? Is your heart beating faster than normal?
- Suggest taking a break. Do this without blaming or judging. View taking a break as part of a positive solution.
- Over time, develop a signal or simple word that communicates, “Let’s take a time-out” in a thoughtful, caring way.
- Set a specific time to return to the issue that is causing the conflict. Your break should last at least 20 minutes. This is the amount of time it takes for your body’s central nervous system to recover from the release of stress hormones. Agree with your partner on a time to resume talking.
- Don’t postpone your discussion indefinitely ~ this can lead to further marital distress down the road.
What Do You Do During the Break?
- Do something that is positive. Go for a walk, take a warm bath, pray.
- Focus on your breathing. Take several breaths, inhaling and exhaling deeply and evenly. Your stomach should expand when you breathe in and contract when you breathe out.
- Scan your body to find areas of muscle tension. Consciously make those areas more tense, hold the tension for a moment, and then relax.
- Imagine those related muscle areas as heavy and warm.
- Now that your body is relaxed, visualize an image that helps you feel calm. (Jesus walking beside you, the ocean, a walk in the woods, etc.)
- AVOID distressful thoughts about your partner during the break. Repeating statements aloud or in your head such as, “Why does he always do that to me?” will keep your stress level elevated and won’t help you calm down.
After the break…
Once you are sure you are calm, get back together with your partner and talk about the conflict in a respectful, attentive way.
Flooding is inevitable in relationships ~ we are flawed human beings. It is what we do in the midst of these strong emotions and in the aftermath that makes all the difference.