Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
~James 3:5
When our children were in middle school their Science teachers asked each of them to compete in the Invention Convention. As a former teacher, I must confess that projects that required copious amounts of parent participation were never my favorite. But the Invention Convention stole my heart on two counts. One ~ imagination and creativity were necessary, and two ~ my forte is Language Arts so my husband Bob would be the go-to parent for this project.
Students were asked to dream, plan, and create an invention of their choosing that met a real need in their lives or in the lives of others. One of our sons decided our family was in desperate need of a “Pause Button.” If one of us began to use heated words that were quickly escalating out of control, we could hit the battery-operated Pause Button. This would allow everyone to reset instead of continuing to insert their foot into their mouth.
Relationships, especially marriages, hinge on the power of The Pause when using that tiny muscle ~ the tongue. We can use the tongue to affirm and build our spouse up or we can use this tiny muscle to mercilessly attack our spouse’s character.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned relationship researchers and authors, have quite a lot to say about the power of the tongue. The Gottmans share that Criticism is the first of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that indicate a marriage may be on the path to divorce.
96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of a fifteen minute interaction.
~ Dr. John Gottman
Part of being human is to complain. The Gottmans stress that Complaining is very different from Criticism. Complaining uses a Softened Start-Up while Criticism often attacks a spouse’s character, using words like “never” or “always.” What does the Softened Start-Up look like?
- Start the conversation gently. Complain, don’t blame. Remain non-judgmental, express your feelings, and describe what you need.
- Use ‘I’ statements instead of “You” statements.
- Describe what is happening; don’t evaluate or judge.
- Talk clearly about what you need in positive terms (not what you don’t want).
- Be polite. Add phrases such as “please…” And “I would appreciate it if you would…”
- Give Appreciation. Focus on what your spouse is doing right and voice that appreciation.
The Pause in marriage ~ it takes intentionality and practice ~ but it is so worth it.
Gottman, John and Nan Silver: The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide From The Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).