Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.
~Proverbs 25:20
When a friend or acquaintance has experienced a loss, our natural inclination is to help ~ to do something, anything, to make the hurt subside. Our intentions come from sensitive, caring hearts but our words can sometimes make our friend feel worse. Without meaning to, we can actually increase a suffering person’s pain with misdirected words. A grieving person may interpret our cheery phrases or “singing of songs” very differently. They may reason, “Everyone thinks I should be doing better by now, but I’m not. What’s wrong with me?” or “If I just try harder I won’t feel so sad.”
So what can we say or do? We can simply say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” This short sentence is concise but powerful. We cannot begin to understand the other’s person’s loss. Even if we too have lost a pet, a friend, a child, a spouse, a parent ~ each person’s loss is unique and their grief journey is distinct and personal.
We also can be careful not to diminish another person’s loss. Many losses in our culture go unrecognized, leaving the grieving person feeling isolated. There are obvious losses ~losing loved ones through death or divorce. There are also more subtle losses that go unaddressed such as changing jobs, moving, learning to cope with chronic illness, surviving a life-threatening disease and all the aftereffects, or a son or daughter leaving the nest. The loss of a lifelong dream or goal is yet another very real loss.
When you experience a loss, it is helpful to examine what you believe about grief and its purpose. The purpose of grieving is to move beyond your reaction in order to face the loss and to work on adapting to it. The way out of grief is actually moving through it ~ facing it. H. Norman Wright shares, “Life is a blending of loss and gain, loss and acquisition.”
Grief is work, either immediate or postponed, but work all the same. When grief work is delayed, depression can set in. In addition to feeling intensely sad, you may feel numb or apathetic. Unfortunately, some Christians believe that they must always think positively; this does not help the person who is grieving.
With delayed grief you may also feel residual anger. This anger dissipates over time when it is admitted, identified, and expressed. It helps when a friend says, “If I were in your situation, I would be angry too.” There is no reason to feel guilt over being angry.
The worst grief is the one you experience personally. Comparing your grief journey to another person’s can minimize your suffering or theirs. Effective grief work is never done alone. Find someone ~ a friend, family member, or counselor who can help. The purpose of grief is to move you to the place where you can begin to make necessary changes so that you can live with your loss in healthy, productive ways.