"Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins." ~1 Peter 4:8 (NLT)
You may be old enough to remember the feisty, perky actress Sally Field. In 2011 she won the Oscar for Best Actress for her performance in the film, Places in the Heart. If you take the time to google her acceptance speech her words may resonate with you. Field enthusiastically exclaims, “You LIKE me, right now you LIKE me!” The award served as a tangible reminder to Field that her peers admired her work and were fond of her. This same concept, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, is the second floor of Gottman’s Sound Relationship House.
This second floor of the Sound Relationship House is key to a healthy, thriving marriage. It also serves as the antidote to contempt. Gottman defines contempt in marriage as statements that come from a stance of moral superiority. Contempt is destructive and defeating; and Gottman’s research over the last forty-plus years indicates contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce. Contempt comes in the form of sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, and any type of hostile humor ~ that comment with an edge that is designed to hurt.
The antidote ~ Sharing Fondness and Admiration ~ helps build a culture of respect and appreciation in your marriage. This includes regular, sincere expressions of gratitude, affection, and respect for your spouse. Sharing fondness and admiration creates a positive perspective in your relationship. This positive perspective acts as a buffer so that when negative interactions do happen (and they inevitably will!) your relationship can withstand those negative feelings. You and your spouse have essentially made “deposits” in one another’s “emotional bank account.” You build up a reserve so that your relationship can weather the storm when a withdrawal is made in the form of criticism or a hurtful comment.
As we celebrate this Valentine’s Day we can all be more intentional to look for the good in our partner. But, let’s not stop there ~ we need to share our fondness and admiration with our spouse! When this floor of the Sound Relationship House is solid, we can move through life’s ups and downs with deep love and devotion.